If I was a mom (original: Brandon Rogers)
Me: ... FUCK, IVE BEEN WASHING DISHES IN MY SLEEP AGAIN
Me: WHERE FUCKING OATE FOR SCHOOL!!
Me: Lucas go grab your ace!
Lucas: *grabs ace’s waist*
Me: NO NOT BY THAT
JJ: *eating cereal*
Me: NO NO TIME FOR CEREAL, HERE WERE DOING GRONSL BARS
JJ: *about to eat the granola bar*
Me: NO, NO TIME FR GRANOLA BARS!!
Me: FUCK IT, WE’LL JUST HAVE TO MOVE BREAKFAST TO LUNCH AND LUNCH TO DINER!! EVERYONE GRAB A COFFEE CAUSE DINER’S HAPPENING AT THREE IN THE MORNING!!
Me: GET YOUR ASS UP YOU LAZAY SON OF A BITCH. YOUR CHANGING YOUR OWN DIAPER!! *throws pepper*
Pepper: TvT
Me: No you can’t have milk on taco Tuesday, because it’s not Mexican. NO EAT YOUR DORITOS.
Me: No I don’t have a favorite child, I do have a least favorite *covers Peppers ears* and it’s the youngest.
Me: COME ON MAKE ME WANNA BE YOUR MOM
Robyn: *hits me with a soccer ball*
Me: IM TELLING LAKE ABOUT YOUR WET DREAMS!!
Lily: *looking through my phone*
Me: GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE BEFORE YOU SEE MY CLIT
Lily: ō-ō
Me: I love that Ellen, shes not a bad lesbian
Me: YOUR GONNA SHUT UP AND EAT THIS LIKE ITS ASS *Shoves a potato in Nero’s mouth*
Me: *eats a bit of casserole* Witch one of you kids came in my casserole?
Nero: D:
Me: JASMINE I NEED YOU TO GET OFF THE TOILET MAMA’S STARTING TO CRAMP. FUCK IT, *goes to the car* IM SQUEEZING YOU OUT A PASSENGER!!
Devon: o.o
Me: Mom I need help, I passed out and the kids put me in the Dino costume, AND THEN THEY PUT ME IN THE POOL.
My mom: -_-
Me: NO ITS THE BABY THIS TIME. HES RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME AND TAKING ONE OF MY GOOD CASSEROLE’S
Me: alright Christ is averted *kicks Pepper*
Pepper: T-T
Me: you think you have it bad? My kids are at the age where there starting to have sex- with each other
My friend: uhm-
Me: *dragging Lucas* ITS NOT A CRIME IF ITS YOUR KID.
Lucas: Q^Q
Me: mommy got you a kitchen and a stroller, so you can be ready when you give up on your dreams.
Pepper: ;-;
Me: I SHOULD'VE BIRTHED YOU ON THE FUCKING TOILET BOWL *throws a mouse at Lily*
Lily: /:
Me: SON OF A BITCH, YOU OPEN THIS GATE RIGHT NOW OR IM COUNTING TO THREE!! ONE!! ...FOUR!! ugh.. YOUR LICKY I DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE.
Jasmine: *WHEEZE*
Me: THATS IT *Takes the toilet paper* YOU JUST LOST TOILET PAPER PRIVILEGES. HAVE FUN GETTIN CREATIVE.
Anna: pwp
Me: IMMA START COOKIN DIN-DIN IT T-MINUS FIVE SECONDS!! I NEED THIS KITCHEN EVACUATED FOR ONE HOUR *A fire begins* EVACUATE THE KITCHEN!!!!!
Oliver: <>-<>”
Me: If you don’t like my tuna casserole then your a retard and a liter. OR WORSE. A VEGAN.
JJ: I-
Me: NO YOU JUST LOST SEATBELT PRIVILEGES MOTHER FUCKER!! *unbuckles Devon*
Devon: q-p
Me: I need you to stop going through puberty.
Jasmine: p////////////p
Me: YOU GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY KITCHEN OR I’LL TELL ZACK ABOT YOUR TINY DICK.
Devon: D,:
Me: Come on we’re going on a casserole drive by. THANKS FOR COMING TO THE BAPTISM. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAROL. NO ONE LIKES YOU NACY. THIS ONES FOR ME.
Lily: xD
Me: I WILL NOT LET YOU RUIN TACO TUESDAY!!! ITS THE ONE NIGHT A WEEK ITS FUN TO BE A FONER
JJ: ;^;
Me: I just need a shoulder to cry on, connected to a dick I can sit on ~/////~
Robyn: *covering Oliver’s ears*
Me: *chases my crush* OH DIAGNOSE ME DOCTOR OZ~
Jasmine: I-
Me: OH JESUS!! YOU THROW GAYER THAN YOUR FATHER. AND HES SO GAY HE FUCKED ME.
Jasmine: ō-ō
Me: sweetie your not a mistake, your a regret, NOW PICK UP THIS SHIT.
Oliver: q^q
Me: HONK AT ME ONE MORE TIME. I WILL GROW A DICK AND FUCK YOU.
My crush: 0////////0
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