Ah..vent ig- its nothing bad just- thoughts- (but slight tw for abu51v3 topics)

I feel like people are purposefully ignoring me for some reason- i constantly feel like im annoying and clingy and- idk. Yesterday i cried myself to sleep again bc of something i didnt want to think about. It had something to do with my ex again. I was thinking- what if he leaves me like she did-? What if something happens- if i say something wrong or do something that he'll leave me like she did- unexpectedly. I always think i drive him away bc of how i act- and after that what if we become "friends" again and dont talk anymore like me and her- and every time i go online on discord and say something i feel like they go offline so they wouldnt have to talk to me but i know that's probably not the case- And im not placing blame on anyone for how i am except my "mom" bc of things she does- but i was already unstable enough before the whole breakup thing- it just made it worse- and i constantly live as someone scared of everything bc of my "mom". I constantly live every day scared, and thinking everyone is going to hurt me or yell at me. The main reason my anxiety is so bad around her and in public. I think everyone is gonna be like her, and i continue to blame myself for having that mindset that everyone is going to be that way. I always get stares and weird looks out in public bc i stay away from everyone, bc i dont talk, bc i look weird. Any time someone moves at all, i flinch bc i think they're going to do something to me. I hate loud noises and they scare me bc of all the yelling and things being thrown when my parents fight, loud noises especially ones i find familiar give me flashbacks. I always tell myself, "this is why u have no friends." Every time someone looks at me i always think they're judging me- in a bad way. I always feel like people are whispering about me when I'm out anywhere- Any time i get any sort of affection at all, wether it be a compliment or a hug, i find myself dumbfounded every time. I dont know what to do, i get paranoid and confused. And mainly i tear up bc im not used to affection. Like one time this little girl i didnt know hugged me and i started shaking and just blankly staring ahead, not knowing what to do or how to react. My anxiety rises and makes me think every time someone hugs me they'll pull out a weapon and kill me- or try to kidnap me or something. My "mom" constantly says "just get over ur anxiety" and every time she says it i just think; 'anxiety isnt something u can just get over' like a sickness or something. And- knowing me, a trans kid, i always go out being cautious bc i know lots of trans people are shot, killed, beaten, kidnapped etc. So I always try to cover up or take off my trans pride charm on my shoe and just act as cis as i can out in public. I shouldnt have to, honestly. People are so brutal nowadays.

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