Vent :)

I’m so stressed, I’m getting more sick and my body is slowly giving up, my head feels like it’s gonna explode, I’ve been oversleeping more and more, everything’s all over the place :] I just want someone , just a specific person, to tell me “ it’s gonna be ok, believe in yourself and you’ll get there “ I want to hear those words, but everybody doesn’t get what they wanted ofc..<3 I’m gonna be scattering all my problems here and there so it’s gonna be confusing ig.. I keep being told “ you need to go on a diet “ and “ you’re getting fatter “ and I’m not feeding myself for pleasure of people irl, I’m too fat I’m such a lazy fuck.. but look, I’m getting skinner now, just how they wanted, that’ll make them happy, right..? And I feel more comfortable wearing a mask all the time because I don’t like how I look :) I’m a freak , that’s all I’ve been told , “ you’re a f*g “ “ you’re so ugly and stupid “ “ r*t@rd.. “ “ idiot “ “ you should look more like ———— “ I get it.. I know I’m not perfect, so please leave me alone already.. just leave my body alone, stop hurting me for who I am.. heh, I actually thought I gained self confidence, but there’s always someone who’s gonna ruin it, am I right :> today someone grabbed a rock and smashed it on my hand, now I have a bruise, it hurts but I’ll just suck it up ig.. I just wanted to be myself, I just want to be myself.. I was just made for being a toy, a human toy? That’s silly ahehe.. and I guess I have to let my hair grow back long again because that will make my aunt and grandma happy I guess <3 if I don’t , then I’m just a disgrace to the family and to everyone else, so I guess I’m a girl then. : ) that’s what they want, I was actually feeling more happy being male than a female, because then everyone would think I’m male and they would stop touching my body , I don’t like when I’m touched, it’s weird and scary , I wish I knew how to defend myself more, and another problem I have, I feel like someone I feel close to is taking advantage of me, I don’t really feel like my usual self when I’m around them anymore, that’s stupid of me, but I’m just sometimes stressed I guess, I don’t like the yelling or screaming or hatred, I just want to be happy with everyone , but I get it if everyone doesn’t feel the same way ^^ were all different beings, also I’m not doing good with my emotions anymore :] as the oversleeping part from earlier, I have been oversleeping because I’m distancing myself from everyone, I don’t want to cause anything that’s already worse so I choose to sleep so I would be gone for hours, it feels nice to lose myself when I’m asleep, I actually feel a bit safe because there’s nothing to hurt me, nothing to yell at me or discipline me, nothing to tell me to be somebody who I’m not, it feel nice, and for some reason, I think I’m hallucinating again. My mind has been making up these strange figures watching over me, I don’t know what they even look like because I could only see them in a blurry way, it used to scare me but now I’m used to it. And now noises are starting to trigger me again, and people are slowly finding out ways of how to make loud noises to trigger me, they like seeing me squirm and make high pitch noises and be an idiot and twitch, kids in my school are doing it to me, speaking of school, people are just making my life hell <3 there’s these two kids there named Javier and Max, they told my secrets to each other and told this random kid who I don’t know. That kid is always seeing me at school now, I don’t trust him at all but others do so I just play along. He knows my secrets because Javier and Max told him, I’m guessing he wasn’t the only person who they told my secrets to. I guess I’m being blackmailed or something. All maybe because I rejected Javier and I blocked max for acting like a damn fucking pedophile . I hate them so much I wish they would fuck off. I want them to leave me alone, I didn’t even want to be friends in the first place I was forced, there voices are stuck in my fucking head and I could tell they’re always talking about me, I want to kill myself because they could do whatever they want. I wish I never met them. I’m gonna try to see if I can move schools so I don’t have to deal with them in 7th grade. But they’re still prolly gonna try to make me suffer in social media too, I wouldn’t be surprised if they did. I just generally want to hang myself, but I have no rope and I don’t know what to tie it on. I want life to be over already, it’s so stressful and I’m just so tired of it, I don’t like it here, this place is horrible . I want to choke myself to death so badly, or just stab myself maybe, but I always Chicken out whenever I have the chance to. I’m too scared tbh, I’m ready but I’m also not, I don’t know if that makes sense lol, but I’m slowly losing emotions at this point so that would be helpful:) I’m scared of everyone too, I fear everyone, I know I can’t trust anyone anymore, no matter how nice they are they’re probably gonna leave me and start up shit. There’s this girl at school and I know she’s trying to manipulate me just like the others, I could sense it. And these stupid girls tried to get me in trouble today to get my phone taken away by security, but I actually used my brain for once because When I declined their request I looked back and security was behind me with kids, so I knew that stupid bitch tried to get me in trouble, I hated her from the start too so ofc I wouldn’t trust somebody like her. Anyways, sorry I guess this is the end of this vent ig, I’m sorry if I pressure anyone, I honestly don’t really have anyone to vent to, so I made this post, now I kinda feel better, I’m gonna go back to sleep because you guys already know, goodnight :]

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