I feel helpless

I’ve gone through a ton of medicines and nothing works
And now I’ve given up on medicine and my mom makes me feel bad about giving up
I’m just scared that they’re going to give me medicine and they’ll think it works but it won’t and then my mental state will get too bad and then I will disappear by the hands of myself. I’m already close to that so if they put me on medicine I’ll think there’s something wrong with me and then go over the edge
I feel stupid for thinking this way but it’s true

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