[Vent] You ever just

Sorry ab this, lol
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You ever just want to give it your all and help everyone even if it means it disregards your feelings, even if it means it puts others before you if it means you give advice, and you don’t take it yourself. To choose aside, when you don’t want to, to support either party, to comfort both of them without having to worry about a cost, to make either party happy.

I try to help, and I think that's where it goes wrong, I help and it's like I'm not even doing a good job because it's like I can't even do it right. Like what I'm saying isn't helping and it's just helping myself, that I'm not reassuring them. It makes me think if I was even good enough, that I was supportive enough for them, it makes me overthink about other things that aren't even associated with what's going on, that maybe I'm not a good friend, or that I wasn't good enough. It makes me think; “was I really worth their time?” “maybe they need space” and the thing is, I don't even know what to do.
I want to associate myself with someone and genuinely help them, but it's like I can't even find the courage to do so and I'm just afraid that maybe, they don't want to talk to me, or maybe that I'm just a bother to them. So I leave them alone, I let them talk to me when they want to and just go from there. How am I going to help if I can't even talk to them, right? I just leave myself to give them my mental support and hope they're okay, when in reality all I wanna do is just talk to them, ask them how they're doing, how their day was.
It's like everything I'm doing is wrong, that I'm just there. I want to hang out, but I'm just afraid. So I just sit back and let them do their thing.

Anxiety has been eating at me and I honestly don't know what to do, I don't know what to do with my time, I've been nothing but fidgety and I just can't stick to doing one thing, I can't just stop thinking about it either. It's not like I can cry anyway because where am I supposed to go? I can't exactly cry in peace and have time to myself, no, someone just has to go and ask what's wrong. So I just have to keep myself composed, y’know? I'm just me at this point, and, I don't like me. Not if I can't help the way I wish to, not if I can't be good enough for anyone.

2 years ago 49 views 2 frames 1 Like