soo

I think I’ve made my decision. I’m gonna to try to start new and if it doesn’t work by the end of the year, I’m going to end it. I’m going to end everything. Today I lost everything. My friends, my will to do anything, motivation, I don’t eat anymore, I don’t enjoy anything anymore, I’ve ended 3 friend groups by having feelings. Every time I vent it backfires, every time I trust someone it backfires, I’m going to try to fix my life for a few months more, if it doesn’t get remotely close then I’m ending it. Im quitting roleplaying. I’m getting rid of all of my characters. I’m getting rid of my personality. There’s obviously something horribly wrong with me, otherwise this wouldn’t have happened with over 20 people. I can’t even look myself in the mirror anymore because I hate my personality so much. Why am I like this? Why is I always my fault? Why can’t I just have one person. One. That’s all I’m asking for. I’m so scared they are gonna rat me out about all my personal problems to adults and I’m gonna have to deal with court again plus my family hating me. Broke down so hard today I could barely do anything. I had to go home before my first class started at school. I’m pathetic. I’m the problem. I’m just like them. I miss the people I loved. God what is wrong with me? I try so hard but in the end my efforts are worth nothing. I have one bad weekend and suddenly I lose everything. I fucking hate myself. Why can’t I just keep my goddamn mouth shut. Why do I have to have feelings? I’ll give it til my birthday. (December) Then I’m DONE.

also uh I’m not asking for anyones comfort I just needed to type it all out so I wouldn’t express it by destroying my room again lol.

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