You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
Anybody who told you to just be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is happiness.
You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
I haven't seen you run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either.
You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

I despise everything about you. You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit.Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. Because off your face the rabbit population actually decreased. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth.If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Even sheep won't have s3x with you.
You are a waste of flesh.You are the moral equivalent of a leech.

Seems like you do.
And I hope you rot in hell