I want to kill myself so bad but I don't want to at the same time

I fucking hate life, my life sucks, I have a goddamn math test tomorrow and all my friends don't like me or think I'm annoying. My bestest friend I have ever had is bullying me and picking on me, he keeps saying sorry and keeps hugging me but he never means it when he says sorry bc he always bully's me the next day. I alsed him if I died would u be happy?
He shrugged and he said he would cry, a bit. A BIT?! THAT'S FUCKED UP, UR MY BESTEST FRIEND I COULD EVER HAVE AND I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR U AND U WOULD CRY, A BIT?! My other friend said he would cry but thats bullshit. Now I actually wanna stab myself in the chest with a knife bc I hate my life. I cried on the bus on the way home bc I wanted to die so badly, I pulled out my hair bc I hated my life, k hurt myself bc of guilt and depression, I hate life

Ty for reading this long, whatever it's called

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