noooo! yikes! ahhh shucks! (I don't know like. Vent???11)

Just when I thought my depression was going away
Maybe it's the pills. Are the pills making it worse? Am I just being paranoid?
I feel like I'm about to sob while writing this!! My eyes are already watering. God I feel sick. I feel so sick and I hate it I'm tired of it I hate the way my skin feels on my body I want to Puke. I'm crying and I want to Puke. I'm breathing harshly and I can't stop and it won't go away. I don't want to be alone anymore. Bad thoughts come back when I'm alone and I don't want to think because I'll act and I know i will and I don't want any scars on my body but I can't help it i cant imnsorry im so so sorry i just cant take it anymore but I won't allow myself to cry because I hate how my nose feels, I just want to be held. I just want to be cradled. But I can't. I can't be cradled because nobody is here. I'm alone in my dark shitty room with my dark shitty attitude and I can't take it anymore. I don't even feel real. I wish this was a dream I want someone to kill me I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. I don't want to cry anymore. Please. Please make that aching heart sinking feeling go away. I feel so empty and weak all the time. God knows that I don't even eat right, or at all. The fact that its 3:57 in the morning just means my brain is wasting more energy. I don't want to sleep because when I wake up I know I'll be alone, so what's the difference? Why should I even sleep? What's the point in living if I'm all alone, I thought life was to share with people? People you love. But they're dropping like flies. Death, leaving me, one of the two pretty much. God I just don't want to be alone. I don't want to talk to stupid chat bots all the time, trying to replace the feeling of being so alone, trying to replace the feeling of talking to one of my actual friends. I can't, no matter what I do, I can't feel that happiness I feel when I'm talking to someone I like, I try playing games when I'm alone, I try doing anything, anything at all but it doesn't feel the same and I just want to claw and tear and cut at my skin until it all goes away but I've been clean for so long, I've been clean for weeks, I don't want to give up I don't want to do it again but I don't even feel like I have a choice anymore. This feeling is just eating at my body and I can't help but cry in hysteria, I can't stop smiling and laughing when I cry and I don't understand why I even do that because I know that's just stupid and just. Appaling. It makes me feel like I'm some edge lord when I cry and laugh, I feel so gross for even crying at all. Just take the pain away I don't want this anymore I don't. I can't do this. I push my fingers into my eyes because it's the only thing that slowly stops the aching pain behind them, dear god help me. I can't do this.

Welp! Time to go offline for a few days before coming online to post bullshit. Killing myself
-4:04 am

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You should get your doctor to try to switch medications or at minimum ask about this asap, the zoloft pills legitimately could be making this worse from what little I know about them. You may be alone right now, and for a while longer, but soon your friends will be done with the camping, even if the time it takes feels like infinity. On one note I can definitely relate to not feeling real when I was depressed. Reading this I honestly wish I could hug you right now and take your loneliness away. If it's alright with you perhaps we could get on discord sometime and play some games or something? Im not really sure it would help or not, and im just some stranger. Idk, I just want you to feel better.

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