Bargh

Lol dissapeared for a while
Doing a lot of thinking
Some good and some bad
I mean I feel like my entire life before this current moment has been some other timeline or a dream
Like the rules of the world have changed if only slightly but just enough to notice
I mean a lot of things have changed
I feel like i just know some things or if something is going to happen
Sometimes it’s okay sometimes it’s not
I didn’t want to know that my relationship would end so suddenly
I dont want to see all of these flashes of standing up on a bridge about to fall
Or fly
Who knows
Maybe I will
I Just have to take a leap of faith, right?
Probably won’t
I procrastinate too much to actually do something

It’s so strange because some days I see a life ahead of me, a life where i practice martial arts and take care of myself and live happily like how I’m supposed to
And other days I just want to give up?
I cry and I’m all depressed shaking all the time, fidgeting and barely able to breathe or eat or move
Thinking, ‘this is the end. I’m going to die. My life is over.”

But now I’m having a moment like that
Feeling lonely and isolated as i do
But it’s not a horrible feeling,
In fact I find a lot of comfort in it this time
I feel at peace, content maybe, just slightly down if anything.
I feel like i want to try
That maybe my life isn’t over just yet
I like where i am Right now
Who cares if my parents give me shit for being trans
Or having panic attacks, calling them fake because I “wasn’t experiencing enough stimuli to have a real one”
(But I was, i don’t know what it was, every touch and light and noise set me off and was incredibly overwhelming)
i know that I wasn’t faking it, i know that my experiences were real
I know me.
If nobody else will love me then i will
I can be happy on my own
The best company I’ve ever had was with myself I guess

i wish my dad loved me for who i am and not who he wants me to be.
I mean sure I can pretend for a while but just knowing that he sees me as a girl, hearing him tell me “no, you’re a girl. You do have boobs. You always will be a girl.”
In that warm voice of his, laced with annoyance as he doesn’t even dare to look at me—the voice that’s supposed to comfort me, the voice that’s supposed to love me only pushes me down further without realizing or with nearly a second thought.
Maybe he does know what he does, maybe he knows how it makes me feel. He things it’s some trend but I’ve known for a while, most of the time without realizing. like for example in 5th grade when I learned the concept of being trans— i thaught it was cool, wasnt against it at all. in fact i was nearly going to consider it before my friends laughed saying that it was a joke, and I completely forgot about it until much later when i really started questioning it.
Sigh
Well
It’s 4am
I need to sleep lol
Severely lost track of time
I hope anyone who sees my ramblings has a wonderful day, or—yknow, a wonderful life. There are bad days, sometimes really bad days or weeks or years and you feel like you will never ever escape but you need to have faith in yourself, if not in anyone else. You know you more than anyone else will. You know what you need and want, deep down somewhere. Take care of yourself, love.<3

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