the overwhelming thoughts

man i know i said i would never actually kms anymore but god the thoughts of doing it keeps creeping up in my mind "oh think of the people who miss you" i am just like my dad and want people to come to terms that i'll die early there's no excuses i cant hide from it i know that i'll die a young death and even if i somehow beat health complicatjons i'll probably get dementia or alzhimers and a part of me will die anyways and the world seems hopeless everything is temporary and i am just a mere cog in the machine and one day ill have to die and then i start thinking "why not now?" and okay yeah i wont kms i'd chicken out now but last year i was so incredibly and dangerously close to doing so and sometimes i just think about it and i am just so tired i wonder if i'll die the same way like my grandpa in a hospital bed at 56 years old and i'm so upset over it. Im terribly afraid of dying but i have the urge to just die

not looking for any "noo dont kys" comments though i'm gonna be fully honest with you guys my ventposting is merely just for me to get my thoughts out and even if i do want a reply i genuinely can care less if you would care if i died or not

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