Birthday Vent?!?!

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Sorry, I had to make that super big, bruh
The tws: s////ual a///sault , s///cide
I'm probably gonna delete it later, but yolo

Nobody likes to be ignored. Especially for weeks on end. Especially when you wish them Merry Christmas or Happy New Year. ESPECIALLY when they're online all the time.
Fuck you for ignoring me. Fuck you for making ME think that WE could be friends again. Shame on me for believing it. You know the shit I've gone through, you know I'm hurt. Yet, you're hurting me. Okay. Fuck you.

I hate relationships. I hate that they get to be happy, and I don't. I hate that I'm always some sort of villain to everyone. I hate that everyone forgets how NICE I've been to them. How SWEET I was to them. I hate how I'm the only person who got absolutely screwed out of AT LEAST a mediocre fucking childhood. I don't care if I was 13. I'm still a God damn child. Let me be one for fucks sake. But no, fuck me I guess.
(Entirelt different person below)
You just had to take away the source of my socialization. The thing I crave most. The thing I already had a hard time with. You didn't. You used my love and affection against me. The thing you told me you wanted. I'm not even around anymore, and you're telling everyone I se///ually as///ulted you when I never did. "They got on top of me and bit me." That was something you asked me to do. That was something you said you WANTED, loud and clear. Why does nobody ever talk about what you did? How about we say that you cheated on someone. That the break-up text "Didn't send." How about we say that you faked a su///icide attempt and then proceeded to pretend that your mother was on your phone asking your silly little school friends questions. How about we fucking say that you chose to KEEP making me these extravagant things even when I told you it was too much. That I felt like I had to compete. That I felt overwhelmed. That I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO. I just wanted something small and simple to admire and cherish.

I thought I was getting better. The moment I dropped everything and left it behind, I thought it was getting better. Now it's coming back. Nothing lasts forever, but why did it have to be this short? I thought I was sweet.

Now, I never want to love someone. I don't want to be capable of it. Now I see that I'm scared to be myself again because of what happened. I'm scared that if I'm myself, people are going to shun me so harshly that I soon won't have any friends left. I can't have that. I'm so tired of feeling alone that it's driving me crazy. I see that now I can't tell the difference between someone being serious or joking. We used to go "Kill yourself." As a joke. Now I don't know if it's a joke. I never really NEEDED tone tags, but now I do.

Now I know that I'll never be okay again. Now I know that this has fucked me over in many ways. "You can heal." I can't heal knowing that she gets away with everything. That she made me the bad guy. That she spread lies. That I'll never be able to love someone again without the irrational fear of the past repeating itself. This is why I dont want to love anyone. This is why I'm scared to.