I'm so scared of saying I love you at this point

Whenever I say it I go head over heels, it's hard for me to love but when I do cave in I love HARD. but literally every person I say it too just acts like I'm some door mat.... I'm am not..... An object... A toy for you to play with..... I'm a human with feelings too.... Just because I don't act like it... Doesn't mean I don't have them.... I try to be independent... I swear I do..... But nothing do brings me joy anymore....
Nothing can distract me..... I'm bored of all my interest... I can bearly take care of myself anymore..... I think my bpd is playing up..... It tends to be at its worst when I fall in love.... Platonicly or romantically.....

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