Anti-romantic

maybe I am *just* aromantic, and not lithromantic.
i don't think I understand the concept of *love* in general, the more I think about it I have always enjoyed love as a concept but the action of love is difficult for me to partake in. Love isn't a feeling to me, it's a research topic. Maybe I yearn for love, but due to the fact I can not understand why love is a feeling I will never be loved. I don't know. I never felt loved. I feel like I do feel love, but the more I read on other people's views on love, I wonder if I only felt the concept of love because it is tied to the idea of control and power. The only time I felt genuine, unconditional love is with Vyn. I don't know how much of my love for people is unconditional, I'd like to believe it is. But I have come to find that I am not a very "lovey dovey" person. Maybe I show my love in other ways, but a lot of it comes down to how much the person benefits to my happiness.
It's scary to realize how toxic my love is, knowing now that I idealize love. I desperately want to feel love, but it's difficult when I don't truly know what love is supposed to be. Maybe I do feel love, but because I am a narcissist a lot of my love is made to hurt people instead, and I hate knowing that. I want to love someone normally, but I can't help that my ideas of love is obsessive

  luka 🍉

luka 🍉

Me when I find out a LOT of my problems have stemmed from the fact it's NPD and I never had proper treatment/care/awareness about it and now my idea of the world is fucked but i have until 25 to make better habits

4 weeks ago   Reply

  luka 🍉

luka 🍉

Me when i wonder why do people not like me and why do people think i'm wrong when i'm right and then in 2023 i find out its NPD and that I have issues

4 weeks ago   Reply (1)

  luka 🍉

luka 🍉

I've been working on it. It doesn't mean I'm "cured" of illness, but I've been trying to be more empathetic... People like me are not inherently bad people, or anything of the sort, but I have to acknowledge that my mindset and actions have hurt other people even when it's the truth (to me)

4 weeks ago   Reply (1)

  luka 🍉

luka 🍉

My love is inherently twisted and this is why I have steered clear of being in a relationship now, despite knowing plenty of (sadly men.) people are interested in a guy like me. I feel awful, what if I unintentionally go back to my old habits and hurt people

4 weeks ago   Reply (1)

  luka 🍉

luka 🍉

I fantasize about a relationship often, but i know it's healthier for me to never be in a real one. I don't need to be in one, but I feel so lonely sometimes

4 weeks ago   Reply

See all 8 comments