Narcissism ramble (again)

the more I find out how much of me is affected by narcissism the more it makes sense to me

people tell me they never usually see me as a narcissist individual, far from it, they tell me that I can't be a narcissist because of how I treat people

i'm a person who craves positivity from others, i'm a toxic individual who latches onto others in hopes to be "closer" to being "human". sure, i'm not the text book narcissist but so much of myself is rooted in narcissism

i've experience narcissistic collapse, i generally look for ways to attract validation towards myself, i have used others for my own gain (though this isn't the diagnosis criteria for NPD, for the weirdos going on my fucking page and deciding to dictate my life because they don't know shit about mental illness.)

it only really came crashing down on me that i had narcissistic tendencies after one incident, i think it was technically a narcissistic collapse but i could've really cared less about it back then. and now i realize how much of an abuser i could've/might've been even when it wasn't intended

i feel like a lot of things could've been stopped if i was recognized sooner, a lot of people deny my mental health despite it being a huge cause of harm to me and others around me

also bpd and npd does not make a good pair for friends i didn't know i had npd at the time but honestly that was horrible and i don't know how it happened and when i read on other bpd + npd friendships it really seems clear to me now

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