hole dwelling

tw/ eating disorder (pica) + vomit

it's really. appalling how much I throw up, or not digest anything. i don't know why but i have always constantly felt so nauseous. i threw up today, and i threw up on saturday, and i threw up a lot this year

sometimes i just think, my body doesn't like real food, because I could easily keep down pages of paper just fine, or shavings of crayons, or what ever i can get my hands on to satisfy my stomach long enough. They stay in my stomach, but simple foods like bread can't easily? When I eat things I like, I have the horrible urge to throw it all up and it hurts and my throat burns and I don't know why it's happening. my only "answer" was that I eat oily food, but it's not always the case. because saturday, nothing besides a drink was in my stomach, and i threw up the fruits intact, my stomach really just refuses to digest things too many times

i don't think I have a healthy relationship with food in general. I love food, I love eating and cooking it, but it won't stay in my stomach sometimes, and when I look at other people I start to feel envious. Why is it when my doctor praises me for making out of the 11th percentile of the BMI index, i'm no longer đẹp to my family, i'll never forget what my doctor said and yet why does it feel like a burden. i want to be bigger, stronger, gain weight and yet the pressures of the "asian beauty standard" makes me feel like I'll never be pretty

My mouth tastes horrible