ft19 draft - beta read

feel free to leave critique..... it's a ongoing project of mine that I want to polish
context; Erica is at a college party and she meets phuong there, and when they meet at a balcony Erica gets pushed off by someone and phuong throws herself on erica and dies in her place, unrequited-requited love, they never said they loved each other but they do have mutual feelings. Enemies to friendly banter

---- Farewell to Nineteen ----

She’s awfully pretty. I think I always knew she was the prettiest girl in the world. Every part of her, I want to draw with the edge of my pencil. Now, on this cold night, I want to capture every part of her in a painting. I don’t know why Nineteen is even at this party, she’s not the type to be here. I feel like I might be the reason why she’s here, but maybe I’m delusional. Surely I am crazy, what kind of girl asks her best friend to meet her at a balcony? There’s no way she would like a girl like me.

She probably hates me, I know she does. We were never on good terms until now, she
always disliked my guts, my hair, my piercings, my personality. She probably feels like I’m pitying her, but I’m not. She’s the first person to treat me like a real girl. I feel more human with her, but she probably thinks that I’m a self-centered nepo-baby. I hate her.
I hate how she looks at me in this way, I hate how Nineteen- no- Phuong presses her thumb to my lip. I hate that she’s not even saying anything to me, she’s not even asking me why I ask to speak to her alone. Do my words mean nothing to her? Is it not obvious enough? She’s an evil, devious woman. I don’t know how I am supposed to even tell her I love her when I can’t look her straight in the eye.

I understand nothing about Phuong and it drives me crazy, everything about her does. I don’t know what she’s thinking, she probably thinks I’m a loser. I’m the biggest loser in the world, and my hands are shaking against the rails. Either her eyes tell me that she pities me, or that she’s as equally as hopeless as me.
Even when the music blares into my ears, when the LED lights flashes against her skin, I need to tell her that I like her. I really do like her, but if she doesn’t like me back I think I’ll lose myself. Phuong, she makes me nervous. She makes me feel stupid, this whole entire thing is stupid. I don’t even need to say this, if I say nothing we can stay friends forever-

“I can’t tell if I’m in love with you, or if I’m afraid.”

The world is against me and yet I run my mouth, like a loser. I’m the biggest loser in the world, and I think she knows how I feel. She smiles and I feel sick, she’s supposed to hate me. She’s supposed to tell me I’m stupid, I think. That’s how it usually goes, we fight, I say something stupid, she calls me an idiot.
I understand nothing about Phuong. Her hands perceives me, holds me, comforts me. She’s supposed to hate me and yet her head leans up to mine and I freeze up. She’s not saying a word but her lips lean in towards mine, am I to assume she’s accepting my affection?

She’s everything I’m not and it makes me jealous. She looks calm doing this to me, there is no ounce of shame in her eyes. I think that’s what I like about her the most. I am a spectator in her life and she’s finally reaching into me, into my heart. Her hands reach out to me as I feel the air consume me. I watch Phuong pull herself to me, quickly embracing my torso. I am engulfed with wind as my eyes stare into hers, she looks so calm. My body feels constricted, her arms wrap around mine tightly and she won’t let go. Her hand goes up to push my head into her neck, and I feel myself being flipped.

She mumbles some words into my ear quickly, but I couldn’t catch onto anything. The only thing I can do is close my eyes, I couldn’t even hug her back. I feel sick, I feel hurt, I feel constrained. The lights are blinding, I still see it even when my eyes are shut tight.

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