ft19 draft - beta read
feel free to leave critique..... it's a ongoing project of mine that I want to polish
context; Erica is at a college party and she meets phuong there, and when they meet at a balcony Erica gets pushed off by someone and phuong throws herself on erica and dies in her place, unrequited-requited love, they never said they loved each other but they do have mutual feelings. Enemies to friendly banter
---- Farewell to Nineteen ----
Sheās awfully pretty. I think I always knew she was the prettiest girl in the world. Every part of her, I want to draw with the edge of my pencil. Now, on this cold night, I want to capture every part of her in a painting. I donāt know why Nineteen is even at this party, sheās not the type to be here. I feel like I might be the reason why sheās here, but maybe Iām delusional. Surely I am crazy, what kind of girl asks her best friend to meet her at a balcony? Thereās no way she would like a girl like me.
She probably hates me, I know she does. We were never on good terms until now, she
always disliked my guts, my hair, my piercings, my personality. She probably feels like Iām pitying her, but Iām not. Sheās the first person to treat me like a real girl. I feel more human with her, but she probably thinks that Iām a self-centered nepo-baby. I hate her.
I hate how she looks at me in this way, I hate how Nineteen- no- Phuong presses her thumb to my lip. I hate that sheās not even saying anything to me, sheās not even asking me why I ask to speak to her alone. Do my words mean nothing to her? Is it not obvious enough? Sheās an evil, devious woman. I donāt know how I am supposed to even tell her I love her when I canāt look her straight in the eye.
I understand nothing about Phuong and it drives me crazy, everything about her does. I donāt know what sheās thinking, she probably thinks Iām a loser. Iām the biggest loser in the world, and my hands are shaking against the rails. Either her eyes tell me that she pities me, or that sheās as equally as hopeless as me.
Even when the music blares into my ears, when the LED lights flashes against her skin, I need to tell her that I like her. I really do like her, but if she doesnāt like me back I think Iāll lose myself. Phuong, she makes me nervous. She makes me feel stupid, this whole entire thing is stupid. I donāt even need to say this, if I say nothing we can stay friends forever-
āI canāt tell if Iām in love with you, or if Iām afraid.ā
The world is against me and yet I run my mouth, like a loser. Iām the biggest loser in the world, and I think she knows how I feel. She smiles and I feel sick, sheās supposed to hate me. Sheās supposed to tell me Iām stupid, I think. Thatās how it usually goes, we fight, I say something stupid, she calls me an idiot.
I understand nothing about Phuong. Her hands perceives me, holds me, comforts me. Sheās supposed to hate me and yet her head leans up to mine and I freeze up. Sheās not saying a word but her lips lean in towards mine, am I to assume sheās accepting my affection?
Sheās everything Iām not and it makes me jealous. She looks calm doing this to me, there is no ounce of shame in her eyes. I think thatās what I like about her the most. I am a spectator in her life and sheās finally reaching into me, into my heart. Her hands reach out to me as I feel the air consume me. I watch Phuong pull herself to me, quickly embracing my torso. I am engulfed with wind as my eyes stare into hers, she looks so calm. My body feels constricted, her arms wrap around mine tightly and she wonāt let go. Her hand goes up to push my head into her neck, and I feel myself being flipped.
She mumbles some words into my ear quickly, but I couldnāt catch onto anything. The only thing I can do is close my eyes, I couldnāt even hug her back. I feel sick, I feel hurt, I feel constrained. The lights are blinding, I still see it even when my eyes are shut tight.
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