unwanted thoughts and mortality

thoughts that cloud my head, sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing taking forensics. maybe my thoughts wouldn't keep wandering everytime someone dies.

i mean, seeing the pope, and that's.... just confirmation. he's not coming back, he won't return. i sometimes think to myself "this is a funny joke" because it's hard to accept things are dead
but they are dead, they're cold and limp and dead and dead and dead. it's scary, you know. he was alive on sunday, and now he's pale. so pale and the blood is pooling down because of gravity, the process of rigor mortis already happened, I wait days telling myself it's a joke but he's dead for real

had a strange dream after the pope died, i cried in my dream for once, which is weird, i don't for most dead people at all. not even for immediate family, only two deaths have seemed to move me to tears, if we even count dream crying. Is it a sign from god? Maybe. Maybe maybe maybe.... i get strange dreams and I'm so sure thry're messages from god sometimes, i hope they are. Even if I can't understand it, knowing god is here to watch over me brings me peace. I've been having so many unwanted thoughts lately, despite the fact I thought I was doing better... but if I ask god and jesus and mary and the saints to help me, everything is okay. mission missions.... conflict

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