I don’t know what to do anymore

I hate it here, I hate living but I also hate the concept of dying. I hate myself, but I also hate how much I dislike myself. I hate people, but I also hate how much I care and love for them. I hate it, I hate that, but I also don’t hate this or that or them or then or it.

It hurts so much how much I’ve been suppressing my emotions and feeling to the point where I don’t feel any genuine emotions anymore.

I don’t feel happy, angry, scared, hunger, surprised, sad, none of that— just purely nothing. Only emptiness, voidness, lack of care and sympathy, null, boredom, etc. etc.
I can’t feel anything anymore. I think I’ve broken myself. I can’t get any help about it either. I don’t know how to fix all of this. I don’t even think it can be healed.

All these overwhelming feelings and thoughts are affecting me so much, to the point where I just can’t function properly on a daily basis. I have to pretend I’m okay and alive. Every. Single. Day. No body knows how I truly feel. I have to use twice as much of the amount of energy an average person uses to do daily activities like getting up, eating, brushing your teeth, writing, reading, listening etc. etc. But the most amount of energy I use is when I have to fake being happy and energetic, which is every single day. It completely drains me. It hurts me more than I can comprehend. But I just don’t want them to know. How I truly feel.

I used too much energy on certain days like today, where all I want to do is just cry, and sleep all day. I feel miserable. I wonder what happened to my old self? Where did it all go? I miss being happy, being a kid with no worries of the real world.

I’ve changed so much.

I’m a different person now.

It’s hard to accept the fact that I’ll never be who I was before again.

I want to disappear, but not completely die. I want to disappear from existence, from people’s memories as if I never truly existed. I don’t want to live, but o also don’t want to die. I want to be free. A bright white light. It has no purpose, but it’s just there. But no one cares.

I don’t know anymore

My existence is a nuisance. I wish to be gone. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.

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