by emma lian

i decided to finally do a second post like this, my first one being like 2 months ago already

i think i have worsened.
im worried about how i appear to other people
i dont want to be seen as a bad, scary or unapproachable person
i dont want people to steer away from me
i dont want to be known as this person
but at the same time i cant help the way i act
im fully aware about how terrible of a human being i am, yet i cannot do anything about it
i am completely incapable of doing anything about it in the way that i have given up on myself and my life
theres voices and people in my room at night
i dont know what my mind wants from me but considering the lack of sleep ive been getting and how screwed up i am my brain is probably eating itself and going rogue

i feel like nothing but a burden to everyone i know
i try to cover how i feel in real life but lately my bottled up feelings have been slipping out
my friends are saying i may need a therapist
everyone says i may need a therapist
but i worry
i dont have enough trust in the world these days i dont trust them to keep how i feel confidential i know my parents will find out im this emotionally shattered and terrible person and they will hate me more than they already do
im gonna be honest i wish they would stop arguing completely and just start taking their anger out on me instead
i feel like i deserve to get some sort of beating whether its verbal or physical
i feel like i need some reality knocked into me
clearly harming myself is not enough
for some reason feeling pain when i want to gives me a sense of relief
i wish my friends hit me more and showed how angry they are to me
i know this sort of mindset is weird as hell but whatever gets me through living at this point

im getting too attached to certain people i just know it
i need to understand that not everyone has time for me
nobody ever had enough time for me
my parents were never really there for me in an emotional sense
i was only given love and affection when i asked for it but when i was young i never really thought about that
this is why when i get hugs from people i actually want hugs from or when i hug a pillow or something soft i just tear up sometimes or enter my own world
ive only ever been hugged because i asked for one
but thats okay honestly

i wish i was more of a normal person
sometimes i dont believe i even am a human anymore
were humans meant to turn out like me

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6 months ago 15 views 1 frames