I tell myself I'm free from sin but deep down in my heart I know I won't make it to heaven

religious (political ideology self insert???) oc to make up for the fact I'm aromantic but I envy people who get married because sometimes I want to be married. I think marriage is a beautiful union, not out of love, but I know many people do it for love and I don't like thinking someone expects me to love them. Partially why I vowed to abstain, partially why I don't like when people poke about idea of relationships too often.

Sometimes I look at other people and think "why can't I have something like that..." but then when I have the opportunity to do so, I feel repulsive. No, god isn't telling me to "stay single" or to "not date anyone ever." My repulsion has never been because of religion, even though religion has recently been a huge part of my aromantism.

Aromantic isn't even a good word to describe me, I suppose. I use it like how I describe myself as straight, it's just easier to explain to people I'm aromantic rather than lithromantic. Not like it matters anyways, abstinence rocks.

They tell me "I'll change my mind," and that "I'll find someone that loves me." Well, I don't love them back. I think that's what people forget about me, it's me first. They can try to convince me that I'll change, and that it's just "instinct" and that "hearts like ours love too much." But that's the thing you don't understand, your heart isn't mine.

I can be edgy and say "you don't understand me," but you really don't. I guess having a disorder does affect my romantic attraction, because I wouldn't describe any part of me as love. You can pretend that I have "normal" feelings and project your empathy on to me, but it's difficult. It's not that I'm dismissing it, I just know that kind of feeling is more than pointless to me.

I'm cynical, pessimistic, and selfish; and even if those traits make me a "loveable" person, I just find it difficult to keep "holding on to that feeling."

I don't like acknowledging that I'm a narcissist often, even when I make huge mentions of it. But it's something people just "conveniently leave out" because

"I knew Luka, Luka helped me. He's a kind man, he's not that kind of person." And with this belief that "because I'm a person that can do no wrong," you have the faulty belief that I hold any "true empathy" for you people. I'm being mischaracterized, how funny... like a fictional character.

I just think it's weird, people project ideas and thoughts onto me that are completely off of my "usual character," and it's not even the facade I'm trying to project.

Something something, societal norms, something something, bigger issues. Who cares at this point, I want to stay single forever and draw tragic ships as a reflexion of my sick and twisted and evil and dark and manipulative and psychopathic and narcissist mind everyone refuses to believe that I have.

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