show me a word that rhymes eith pavement and I Wont....

sometimes i feel like i'm over reacting and then i rememberRight Diagnosed Ptsd right I have ptsd and that's going to affect how I react to things and people and it still bugs me when people go "who would actually do that to you?" becayse Well I Know it did happen to me and sometimes My mind is terrified that it wilk happen again I Can't help it that i'm always alert and i've been horribly paranoid since 2017
Like Idk. Maybe Because in real life i had things happen to me And I just so happen to hace ptsd. has anyone thought of that, my mental illnesses are actually affecting my life in a negative way and I lie in bed in cold sweat over night mares that seem a little too weird and a little too close and it will always haunt me. It's not that I hate people, it's never not that. I don't hate people, I say I do because it's easier to say that instead of saying I'm so terribly afraid out of my mind that the idea of genuine closeness is disgusting to me.

i had a really happy dream a few days ago after weeks of nightmares and i was a kid again and my grandma was holding my hand saying i could see my grandpa and then i woke up and i remember i'm not 6 anymore and i'm a grown man in college while my grandpa has been long gone. sometimes i hope i die because i don't like living this way i'm in so much mental pain but all i do is make jokes about it because nothing i do will bring him back so it doesn't realky matter what i say or do or thinj because everyone around me will die and it's ultimately pointless to grow close to people

sometimes i think that's why i'm so avoidant and was previously extremely destructive. well of course that's a reason Mental Illness does that to you but the idea of nothing really matters previously made my past actions dangerous because in my mind "since nothing matters" then i can do anything i want because even if it's wrong, i'll be dead one day. i know i really like the idea of it, because if I die then everything is frozen in place and nothing will ever be wrong in my life ever again

i don't know, i was going to type something else but i think I'm just emotionally distraught. sometimes i feel so happy and then i remember I'm a grown man and i have nothing to really show for it. sometimes i think "wow, my grandpa had my dad around my age" and i wonder what am i doing with my life. i look at my school achivements knowing my grandpa never lived to see these, i succeeded for nobody to praise me and i lie on the ground like the stupid dog that i am hoping that he returns some how. except that the dog in that movie didn't know he was dead, but i can look at my grand father's ashes and know he's been dead longer than I knew him alive.

sometimes i want to die the same way, i think it would be nice and symbolic... like grandfather like grandson, lung complications and the medics roll me out of the couch like they did to my grandpa those years ago... except no one will stand witness to it, i don't have a grandson of my own to watch me waste away

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