and I am dead, as dead I well may be

sometimes I overthink a lot and I understand it is just my mental state, but I've become horribly afraid and distraught at the idea of having dementia. it'll become an inevitability, my mind will start to degrade and I will be like the rest of my family.

I'm not afraid of being old, god know show much I've dreamed of being an old wrinkly man who lives out the rest of his days peacefully, no. I'm afraid of losing myself, I'm afraid of how much of myself will be retained once I start to lose myself. I hate the idea that one day I'll become incoherent and I am only but a witness to the same horrors that plague the rest of my family. I sit and lie in bed thinking about how much my own grandmother's mind has gone, how she had repeatedly checked on me just because her mind is failing her. She won't remember a conversation I had with her within five minutes, repeating the same sentences I have confirmed to her endlessly. And all I can do is watch and think about how she too will pass one day.

I either want to retain all of my memories, or none. I've seen others, and how their mind reverts to their younger days. Isn't that just a personal hell? I can already imagine how lost and devastated future dementia-ridden luka would be. If I can't handle loss and grief while I'm sane, how will I maintain the same stability when I'm far gone?

I don't know, I think god is cruel sometimes. It's punishment and I'm still grateful that I have my grandparents, but I am such a weak soldier...... Everyday hurts, I need to pray more

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