Legit crashing out cause I just realized I can't keep up with this life anymore

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I feel that I've completely lost my whole personality. It's all just fake and dead now. I can't even socialize with people properly. I can't "feel" feelings properly either. It's all just the same emptiness. every day. every night. I feel like I'm stuck. Doing the same thing over and over again, yet I achieve nothing. I can't. It hurts. I hate it. I feel guilty for not being able to talk to the people I love. My parents, my friends, and others. I'm so sorry. Everything about me is so messed up. I hate it. And I hate how much Ive vented on this app for the past year I think. I'm not even sure anymore about how much time has passed. I try not to think. To commit. But it gets harder and harder. And whenever I actually think about it, I feel so dumb and weak. It's pathetic. imagine kys. And over nothing as well? I mean, I've got plenty of things to be happy about. So why don't I feel it? I'm so tired of it. I am mentally and physically decaying. I don't think it will be long till somebody realizes that I am actually not okay. And don't get me started with all the toxic traits I've developed from several groups of people... I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate how much I unintentionally hurt people. I hate when I can't get things under my control.

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Actually .. this is kind of an important thing I have to say👇👇
I kinda think I actually have a problem with the way I think too now.. everytime I get annoyed at something or someone, even in the slightest, I start imagining that thing/person(s) in some of the most horrifying and gruesome situation.. for example today, (this one was in my dreams) one of my sister wasn't listening to me, and I got angry. Like really angry. And then I did something so horrifying, that even my own dream blurred and censored it.. I approached my sister, holding some sort of weapon?? And then I attacked her. Right on the face. Her face split open, and she screamed. I couldn't here her screaming but I knew she was screaming. I then used my hands to .. yuck... I used my hands to grab her face, and pulled them further apart. And then I started breaking bones in her face/head. I pulled out the insides of her face and oh my God.

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I don't know what I just wrote, but I got the majority of things off my head knowing some people will read it so now I'm good and able to sleep.
Gn.
I will be unlistinv this after.

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