Explanation

!(This is only explaining why i did what I did not what heard did at all)!

I only act out of severe fear and stress and i have always been like that and currently there's no available way of fixing it (because of my horrible mum)
It usually grows and grows and grows until I just can't handle it anymore and desperately do anything and everything to try and make it stop (I cannot really think at all when it's that bad)
And i do and say whatever my extremely panicked and frazzled mind tells me to and I just go along with it because I just want it to desperately end (in some cases it can genuinely feel like im about to die)
I Only really meant that stalking a child sounded pedophilic and that I was extremely uncomfortable with it (it also made it worse that all through it he was calling me horrible things to) (this app was supposed to be and was my only escape from my horrible mother but not really anymore and I was trying to desperately gain that feeling of safety back by trying to get him to stop stalking me witch made it feel extremely unsafe here and those bad feelings grew and grew and grew until I just couldn't handle it anymore and led to me saying that. i never ment for it to go this far for I had no where else to go to at that time and just wanted help to feel safe again)

And if your thinking "why didn't you just try and calm down" or "why don't you do something else to distract yourself from it" i can't I really can't if I try it comes back 2 times stronger and throws me off gard and it makes almost every moment in my like unbearable since its almost the only thing I can feel when its that bad and it just continues to grow and grow and it just won't stop it never stops as soon as I feel a slight moment of happiness it completely destroys it all when im like that I just cannot genuinely feel happy more then a few minutes and that's it

How did I become like this?
When I was very young I lurnt that holding all my emotions and only crying and screaming once instead of doing it every time my mum did something horrible to me got me way less punishments and became a stupid little toy for her to just for her use me for her own amusement (she used to hit me alot when I was younger usually in areas on my back so people at school wouldn't notice now it has gotten to a point she makes me strip off my clothes and makes me sit in the freezing cold bathtub then she dunks my head into the water over and over and over again she sometimes holds my head under long enough that I start panicking and almost end up drowning then she just leaves me there without even a towel and most of the time this happens I didn't even do anything wrong it has completely ruined me mentally so much so im afraid of women even though I myself was born female im just trans ftm I can hide my fear of them while talking to them and stuff and doesn't change how I view the person but I can never be fully comfortable being near them and if thay do anything to hurt me or anything I will do everything in my power to get as far away from them as possible this makes makeing friends difficult even though most people in my irl friend group are girls sorry for my rant) I've been bottling up my feelings like that all my life until it became something I couldn't control anymore and it became more inbedded into me and well I still clearly need it since I'm still forced to live with my mum since I'm 14 so I couldn't get rid of it even if I wanted to and I hate it so much so much so I planed on killing myself as soon as I turn 17 because of my stupid little feelings and how bad thay can get and I have been planning it since I was 12 so no it's not because of this

I completely understand that I shouldn't have called him a pedo but I genuinely couldn't have controlled it at that time
I am sorry and didn't mean for it to go that far just because of my stupid little feelings I know there stupid and I am sorry for that but I just wanted help and to make it stop

Im really sorry if none of this makes any sense to you im leaving now ig so feel free to just use me as a sort of punching bag for your emotions for i wont even be here to see it i know im stupid and pathetic so use that ig if you want to talk to me for some god forsaken reason then you better find out what my discord is or something (genuinely please don't harass me that's all i ask) cos I'm gone and won't be looking back

My only goal for this post was to try and help people see my side of it (witch I know will probably not really work and will never happen and im ok with that) and as a sort of apology and a goodbye that's all

I just don't want to be talked about anymore and those are my final wishes please respect them and If you manage to find me somewhere else leave me alone because that's the whole point of me leaving to get away from this shit not for it to follow me everywhere else like a parasite.

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