an apology

i wish i could start over with people

i know i already have made a lot of damage, but i wish i could just reverse it, apologise to people who i have hurt and start over. maybe be friends again, or just on good terms.
i dont want to be known as someone with bad mood swings and disorganised attachment issues, but thats unfortunately the mark i have forever left on myself
i wish i could change it all. i wish i could be a better person, and i wish people would see me as one.
that might be contradicting, considering im really not. but does anyone really know how my mind works? not even i know why im like this. sometimes, i think, people will just have to live with some of my ways. its a sad truth because many people will leave me due to the way i am, but atleast maybe even one person who ever saw some sort of worth in me would stay longer.

i think sometimes i am narcissistic. other times i am overly echoist or miserable. i unfortunately cant control this as well as i probably should. i am aware of how negative i can be, especially out of nowhere, and i genuinely apologise to people who willingly surround themselves around me.
maybe i have some sort of undiagnosed disorder. whatever it is, i really wish i could neutralise it.
the way i am has affected a lot of my friendships. especially one in particular i have been missing a lot lately, one i could have fixed if i put in effort. but i didnt, and i did nothing about it. now that person never wants to talk to me again.
maybe some people in the gc will understand who im talking about. i really regret being the person i am. i strive to try improve myself little by little and maybe one day i could be more likable.

in a sense, this is some sort of apology. im simply apologising for being such an unpredictable person. my mood swings and fluctuating self-esteem makes it very difficult for me to manage daily normal things, but that is not my excuse to be the problem i am.
maybe i still havent left behind my ways of being an asshole from a few years back, and if thats the case, i wish i could just throw my past behind me.
i want to change a lot of things. i just dont know how i could possibly do these.
im sorry.
im sorry i mention dangerous topics so much, im sorry for making my friends genuinely panic when im on my breaking point, im sorry for having to cause this much anxiety to people because they care. im sorry i get jealous and attached to people so easily, im sorry i cant tell if people care, im sorry if i think nobody cares, or if im being ignorant, or if i seem like im constantly craving attention or approval. im sorry for all of the things am and could be. narcissistic, attention-seeking, manipulative, insensitive ...
i really am sorry. i really do want to improve myself, but maybe something in my childhood made it so that i cannot take criticism well, even if nice. maybe something made it so i have constant anxiety about how i portray myself, or if im bothering people. whatever could be twisting my brain to such volumes, i apologise on behalf of it

also, im sorry for being quite rude lately, especially to people who seem like they are attacking me, which could be everyone sometimes. my anxiety cannot excuse most of it.

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1 months ago 45 views 1 frames 1 Like

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