vent post i guess
I feel like a horrible person. I’m self-centered, I’m just an act, I’m dumb, I’m a liar, I’m lazy, and etc. I just get so much anxiety when I mess up on one little thing. I have to be somewhat “perfect”, or I’ll fall apart. I’m horrible at everything I try to do, fuck, I don’t know why i downloaded this app when i know i suck at drawing. I also don’t like how chubby I am, even though I know it’s not as bad compared to other people (NOT TRYING TO SAY YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF IF YOU ARE), I still only rarely eat. I’m not really starving myself I just only eat dinner and sometimes a snack. Also, if I were to ever be myself around my parents, I KNOW they would not approve of me. I’ve always been this shy well behaved kid whose mind is clear, but no, they don’t even know I had my innocent ruined at 9. I’ll fucking admit it, I like dirty things because it has somewhat enjoyment and relief for me to make stories about of and read. I know that’s bad, especially for my age, but I can’t do shit anymore so that’s what I revert to. I’m so scared to tell anybody my opinions on stuff, because once again, if I’m not some perfect fucking princess, I fall apart. Another thing with my parents, they are transphobic, and will get mad when they have trans stuff on the news. I’m nonbinary, so this is so hard for me. The most likely thing they would say is “it’s just a faze” which it is not a fucking faze. And yes, there is times I tell myself I’m a girl and that will never change, but I feel genderless. I’ve gotten so close to ending my life, but I’m scared. I know ending your life doesn’t end pain, it just puts it on somebody else, but it’s so hard to deal with shit anymore. My family dosent know i have depression and anxiety, but something that will stick with me is a few months ago i was talking to my grandma, and i was flicking my hand because of social anxiety. My dad asked me what I was doing and why, and I said “oh- the hand thing? I just do it when I’m nervous-“ AND HE DIDNT EVEN TRY TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME, ALL HE SAID WAS “get some damn control of it”. I know this is all overly dramatic, but I can’t do anything and I’m just so sad constantly and I have to hide it.145 days ago 36 views 1 frames
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