me explaining to my doctor my constant thoughts have been "i should kill myself it's really easy to do so" or "hmmmmm but something good is happening so i shouldn't kill myself yet"
i forget that people dont *actively* think about killing themselves sometimes because it's just. My normal thouguts on an average morning and i was asked "is.... is this a recent thing? Because you talked about it since January" and i drop the bombshell it's been going on since fourth grade