"I should threaten my life" "I should make someone become attached to me and I love-bomb them and then when I'm bored I'll stop communicating them" "Wouldn't it be great for someone to love me and I don't love them back?" I smile, and then throw up rereading/looking over my past messages and thoughts when I'm not deluded
I say I don't know how people think It'm a good person when my personal thoughts have always been manipulative in nature, always looking to see if it actually benefits me or not. I've pretended to be kind because I know it will benefit me. "You didn't seem like a narcissist to me," they would tell me. But a few friends who've been closer to me have seen a few faults, and it disturbs me sometimes knowing how much they know. I'm somewhat upset over some of my choices, because it didn't benefit me at all. But it's flawed thinking, my friends say so I think. Things I do shouldn't be about gain. My friends are genuine, I should be genuine back. But it's hard to not fall back on old habits.
little/low empathy doesn't mean no empathx and i'm fully capable of knowing that my friends have feelings and are hurt and that it is real emotion and that i'm not the only person who has emotions and it's a horrible thing to use it to one's advantage