Vyn is not a saint either, I think deep down she knew how much xuan desired her. She always knew, xuan chirped and sung his ode to her. And that's what eats at her. Xuan was so open to loving vyn, while vyn was hesitant to return his affection, and that hesitancy is what eats her from the inside out. she closes her eyes, and she remembers xuan's cold arms around her waist, how she was the only one breathing that night.

selfish is the best word to describe xuan; it was love at first sight. He didn't know how else to act, except selfishly. From looking at the screens, seeing her from across the room, being in the same personal space as vyn, he wanted to bite off more than he could swallow. He can chew all of her, but to digest her is a different matter. It's all too much for him, and for his greed and gluttony, he must die.

To savor the moment endlessly, it's selfish, incredibly selfish. maybe vyn would've happily died with him, maybe vyn would've killed herself infront of his very eyes. he didn't like the uncertainty. he knew vyn, sure, but he didn't know her enough. this is basically a 4th.. 5th date, who knows their dates that well to tell what they'll do in a life or death situation? So even in his act of sacrifice, his berry stained hands dirty the fabric of her clothes, tainting what could've been a good thing

The idea of perfectionism rubbing on him ever since he met vyn, he desires for everything to be as meticulous as her. he didn't want to just die, he wanted to make sure he enjoyed the last bits of his life. Afterall, even when they are pawns, it's the small things that mattered more

those might've been his last words, nobody would ever know, not even vyn. not even when his mouth hovered over her ear, not when his breathing slowed down. all she'll know is that those were sweet nothings, and nothing will ever come of it.

vyn teaching xuan how to dance, telling him to put his arm on her shoulder and grasp the other hand. "One two three, one two three"

and those same numbers, he mumbles against her resting neck. His hand making it's way to hers, the other holding her body close. it's his final waltz to her

xuanyi waltzing in the forest because that'll only be the one time they can dance together

i feel like vyn shares some traits with haymitch in the "never get close to anyone/never love anyone with your heart" aspect

VYN BEING A MENTOR WODUK BE SO FUNNY

watever, no mor xuanyi rambling for now too busy reading on the internet... i'll come back when i have more ideas/opinions/retconning

reading haymitch pages knowing full well this is spoilers to sunrise of the reaping (a little 😒i know haymitch is a victor i read these novels too many times before)

well, not the sabotaging the games bit, since both xuan and vyn remained faithful to the bounds of the games... but like, you know. lovers dying, becoming.. that kind of person, almost cynical towards the world around them

i was gonna add "vyn becomes an alcoholic" and then i realized. haymitch. isn't this... just... haymitch

i think after xuan's death, vyn is grief stricken, no longer playing a facade as she wipes out every other competition; nothing else mattered. and when they announce her to be the victor, she isn't happy. this isn't her game, it's not her victory. it's her torment, the torment that she has to face knowing that despite remaining victorious, someone had to die for her to reach the top

it's off that he tells her this before sleeping, xuan doesn't usually do that. xuan tells her that he loves her in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, but never at night. that's not his goodnight, her goodnight. he didn't cheerfully exlaim "night night," not even joking about bed bugs. but with so much going on, vyn decides to ignore this one sign, and she wakes up with her lover's cold arms around her

I think before he kills himself, when they're both awake. Xuan starts to have a more.... concerning edge to his voice. Something on the tone of finality, but vyn can't help why. She questions xuan about this, but he dismisses it, saying he probably felt off from eating. But before they (or in xuan's case, vyn.) Sleeps, xuan tells vyn that he loves her, which isn't unusual... but.

xuan coming up to vyn with the worst pick up lines while she's mid-training something like "hey are you a construction team, because you're Building." And then he runs off to go tell rosa what he just did

i think pregame, xuan admires vyn from afar at first but eventually works the courage to talk to her (in capitol + training sessions etc)

oh how I missed writing tragic and doomed xuanyi.... xuan gazing over vyn's sleeping body, his hands clutching a handful of nightlock they found earlier in their expedition... he knows vyn would be heart broken; but he doesn't have the heart to kill her... if he dies and she wins, she gets to live... and if he dies and she dies as well, they'll reunite in the after life.

and so, he takes in the berries, letting its poison seep down his throat as he tucks himself back into vyn's warm embrace one last time, for as long as his body stays warm enough for her not to notice

xuan waited for vyn to sleep and then maybe if he didn't take the sponsor's route - he'd ingest something poisonous (like nightlock), if he taken the sponsor's route, he'd try another means of suicide