"so...
You're mom tells me you're here because you've been...cutting yourself, you can't sleep, you seem depressed, and...overall...well..hm, why do YOU think you're here...?."
"...because I killed myself."
"...what...?"
"I just told you...I'm here because I killed myself."
"Well, what do you mean? You're sitting right here in front of me, alive and breathing..."
"*smol chuckle* I meant in a dream...most people either dream casual dreams, happy dreams, or nightmares...but this one...it was all of them put together. Happy, sad, horrifying, excellent...sensational..."
"Sensational?
So...you're telling me that, in this dream of yours, you killed yourself..? Why?"
"There's no why. You should've asked how."
"Hm... why's that?"
"Saying why wont make me answer a single question...and do you want to know how so?... "
"*nods slowly*"
"Because I don't know why. How do you expect me to answer a question I'll never know how to?"
"I-...hm...
Okay...you told me to ask you how you did it in the dream instead of why...so...how did you kill yourself in your dream?"
"I didn't. Or, well...I did... it's...confusing...
Basically...it was just my mind literally turning on me...
In that dream, as I remember it...I was asleep. I was asleep in my dream inside of a void...the colour...I don't know what colour it was...not black, not white...something else...but I couldn't tell...the entire void was that colour though...
I could say a mix of colours that it was...but...I still probably wouldn't be right on spot...
Whatever it was...it was absoloutly...beautiful...
...gorgeous...the best thing I'd ever seen in my entire life...
Then...I looked down. I was standing up Eve though I hadn't moved and had just woken up... and there it was. The darkness.
It was like ink...but...thicker. It just...sat on the round right underneath me...then it slowly started spreading, looking like veins. It slowly began covering the light.
I didn't know what was going on, i-...I wanted t to stop...
I tried chasing the pattern of this darkness, but with each step I took, it grew.
It was like a metaphor...telling me, "don't continue...don't move on...you're going to destroy the light..."...
I actually panicked in the dream...I could feel my stomach's churning and my head spinning...
Then...I woke up again. Lying in bed.
The black was in my veins...spreading as it had over the light.
My beautiful hair had become a mess. My smile became a glare. My beautiful eyes had grown tired with dark bags underneath them, and before I knew it...I wasn't me. I was an entirely different person."
"So...this darkness...what do you think it represents? The...changes you've gone through?"
"Changes, yeah, yeah...whatever...
Changes are nothing compared to this...okay?
This...darkness...it changed me, yes...
...but it didn't just change me...it destroyed ME comepletly...
I became nothing....because I wasn't about could be...
My love for bright pink skirts and neon yellow went to me wearing black and grey attempting to match that really darkness inside, and before I knew it...I was the darkness.
I became that thing I feared...I treated people as the darkness treated me...I did change, yes...
But it was so...drastic..
And...then...I fell asleep again one night and in a dream with the darkness...well...I reached into the abyss below me that was myself and that darkness...then pulled it my heart.
I smashed it to nothingness in my hand...and....it killed me. The darkness made me do it..."
"....hm..."
"And, of course...like everyone else who has heard me...you don't know what to say. You're so helpful."
Ah, yes.
That one therapy appointment I wish would be real where I would tell my therapist about what actually goes on in my mind
She isn't going to be able to help because this won't surprise her... she'll assume she knows what to do..which will hurt even more..
I need someone I love to help me...not my parents, family...
I want a friend to, but no one can because no one knows how...
I don't know how...
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