ahaha [[vent (sort of)]]

(this is a whole dam story im sorry)
so um

ive told like two ppl here that i found a s/o while i was gone. first partner ive ever had that was actually here. of course, it being the first good thing thats happened to me in months it went up in flames very quickly.

so, there was this person whomst i will not name but they were just a random person that moved to my school. they seemed kinda cool but i hadnt spoken to them. one day they just kinda came up to one of my friends and gave her a note, saying that they wanted to be friends. it wasnt anything at first, but when i made friends w them as well it was just suddenly like “ holy shi this person is incredible”. i was like. absolutely head over fcking heals for this person. this is the first time ive ever felt genuine feeling for anyone. like, ive had people that i thought “oh theyre pretty neat” but ive never felt genuine love for anyone. the feeling was intense to the point it hurt. then they got my number, and abt 4 days after my birthday they slid the smoothest shi on me in a message saying that they felt the same. ofc this is the first time someone has returned my feelings so this was a huge thing for me. this feels horrible to say im sorry to anyone who doesnt want to know, i lost my fcking virginity to this person. they were amazingand everything was totally fine, for a few months.

theyre polyamorous. im monogamous. that was a problem since they started having feelings for my best friend. they wanted to start a poly relationship w her but i made it clear that i did not. my friend is an absolute angel and one of the most loyal friends ive ever had. she tild them no, even though she had feelings for them too. but they lied and told her that i was ok with it. she still didnt want to, but they came onto her and started trying to kiss her, and she ended up giving in unwillingly bc she thought i was ok w it. when she found out that i wasnt ok w it she they asked her to start a secret relationship instead behind my back. mind you, this is after i was already incredibly anxious abt smth like that and they had promised me that would never happen. ofc she declined but then they started acting weird towards me.

suddenly they decided that i was supposed to tell them every thought i think and every feeling i have. they weren’t aggressive abt it in anyway but they kept saying i wasn’t communicating. they finally decided to break up with me bc of it. i blamed myself for a while and i ended up doing some really stupid things to myself. in all honesty i havent really stopped but i dont know how else to make the feeling go away.

after they broke up w me, thats when j found out they were trying to start the secret relationship. there were a ton of other things they lied abt but i dont want to recite all of it. after being split for abt a month they took me to the side during a ball game and asked if id want to forget everything and try again. fresh start. me being the overly trusting, naive little dipshi i am i said yes. they put on this whole show saying they missed me and junk but it was all bull. we kept a secret thing for another month that lasted until last week. they txted me and said they feel “too guilty” and they “dont deserve this”. they really just didnt want to be with me anymore, which wouldve been fine, had they said that in the first place instead of leading me on and absolutely breaking me for a second time.

now we come to today, when they txted me asking how i was doing. it was kinda random, since we were still friends but the random asking how ive been was wierd. turned out, they just wanted to talk about my friend. after breaking up w me and trying to cheat on me w her, they wanted to come to me to talk abt how much they still have feelings for her. bc yea, they broke my heart over her, but im totally the right person to talk tk abt her. definitely. that doesnt hurt me at all.

when alm this started i couldnt bring myself to hate them. or even be mad at them. and i could still never hate them, no matter what. but that well needed anger is finally bubbling up now. i dont like it but i needed it.

now im just crumying and feeling like garbage bc we had this whole long convo abt how they dont love me anymore and they never did, them defending saying they did at one point but not anymore, me not believing them bc how am i supposed to after how much theyve lied to me. they finally apologized for bringing it up once i fully popped off on them about how ive been feeling, but now im hating myself for still feeling feelings for them despite everything. theyve already confirmed that their feelings for me are gone, and that they still have feelings for my bestie, but i still have feelings for them thatll never be acted on. i want to bate them so bad. i want to say i wish they had never came here in the first place. but i cant and i hate it.

jesus christ that sounds dramatic as hell im sorry

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