i can be totally honest now: in my mental standards, nobody can be more paranoid of death than me

in fact it's because i'm doing so well, that i'm so scared
i just... i really need to spit it out now.
it's been 12 years that i struggle every night to go to sleep, just because of the same damn subject every night. so severe that it often comes back during the DAY. the exact same questions and the exact same feelings in my body every night
i just hate this so much. the subject, as much as my paranoia about it
not only do i overthink of how we feel it, but i just feel like i could be hit by anything at any moment. because of the sentence that goes "the chances are low but never zero", it's freakin haunting
i might be trusting science a little bit too much?...
and worst of all: these thoughts are so so so so SO SO SO SO freaking USELESS. THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY USELESS!!
cuz no matter what we think, we will pass anyway WITHOUT getting to know how.
and everybody knows that!!!
but nooo, not my brain, not my paranoid brain!! cmon lets make you mortified, insanely mad and sad about the fact that you will loOsE eVerYtHiNg OnE dAy, EVERY NIGHT!!!
even without a time notion, everything is temporary and i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it

i never said this to anyone else than family, they never experienced this "paranoia"
but i just know every human being has had thoughts like that
but at this degree, probably not yea. maybe because i'm hypersensitive, those thoughts are just intensified... but for 12 years, damn!!!!