I've been having these weird violent fantasys for a while now....(rant about my mental and stuff)
idk why but I've been wanting to hurt myself and others alot... like I've already have like once I get too comfortable with someone (like I've been talking to them for a few months or something) I will start to want to hurt them and I eventually do... it's like play fighting but I just don't stop ya know... even if I try and I know its bad but I can't really help it. I'm afraid of actually feeling pain but I also have these extremely violent fantasys of me ripping out my eyes or cutting open my stomach and letting my organs just spill out everywhere I also have them but doing it to other people to... like I dont know why but sometimes even thinking about gets me all excited and I have to calm myself down but at the same time it scares me for some reason... I personally believe this stuff ties into my struggle to feel most stuff that other people can like I could feel empathy and other stuff at one point but I just can't really feel it now and I don't really know why that also includes love like the closest thing to it is fear and so all the people I've been with have just sorta been... lied to? I don't know I've just always went along and made them feel good about themselves even though I didn't really feel anything for them both online and irl.
Whenever I do hurt someone I feel a rush of excitement even though I know its wrong and I don't know why but I just do... the people I hurt are usually irl so all those online don't really have to worry about it i guess but i don't know if it will get worse and I start lashing out on people on here...
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