Probably last poem. Try to understand it
Eat,sleep,work,repeat,
Stuck to one fucking seat
Can’t leave apparently agreed to sit here,
Some covenant bound before my existence,
Well let me cease it,
Let me take control,
The weakness of escaping problems conflicting
with the strength of oppressing them until they die out,
I got my head and my heart in a broken body,
I’m staring at girls with a small waist pretty face,
I’m whitewashing myself to fit in,
I’m culturing myself to be left out,
Never wrong but always says sorry,
Makes valid points but no one listens,
‘U ready?’
Let me give you a quick glimpse,
Everyday items
everyone uses,
Kitchen.top drawer. Knives.
Dinner.plates and forks.
I wanna gauge my eye out with a fork,
Drag a knife to slit my throat,
Stamp my arms with the colour of martyrs,
Engrave the murderers name across my face,
‘Inhale’
Somethings eating my insides,
Ripping through my lungs,
Churning tissues,
I need to scream,
I don’t got no daddy issues,
I’m containing so much,
Tell me why every time I try to search something
‘Get help call the Samaritans etc’ comes up
‘It’s okay’
Repeat it quickly
Reassure yourself
Don’t let ur smile falter
Don’t let no one help
Cuz they say they understand
No they don’t
Doing this for years,
Tell me how much you know about me?
Or do u just know my life?
Whats my favourite colour?
Tell me that
I can’t even answer that
No one actually gives a fuck
That’s a fact
No one can keep up with ur speed
Ur running too fast for this world
Ur gonna die out quicker
Ur brain works quicker
I rlly wish I was fitter
‘Exhale’
4 years thinking like this,
Eye bags ..insomnia,
Petrified of being strangled in my sleep,
Now I sleep on pills,
I dream of wars,
5 yr old boy laying on his dead father listening to his heart beat,
2 men one standing wailing,
One sitting with 2 shoeboxes full of dirt,
This is my mother Shes been dead for 3 years,
This is my father dead for 5 years,
Wailing man screaming for the child,
The child won’t come,
‘Deep breaths’
Im not prone to pain,
But tell me why every slab of wood can be used as a cane,
People used to be slain
For Noble causes,
Mine is not,
From the cot look back of the photos tell me where I smiled,
Yea I’ll miss those days I was happy but I’m living in decades of sorrow,
Those days make less than 1% of my life,
Only if u knew the strife,
Let me burden you,
I have purpose in my life,
Neurosurgery,hafiz,alimah,nhs courses,
Scholar in religion,
Top grades,
Memoriser of religious texts,
Now let me recite my schedule,
Mon-fri school til 4 mosque till 8
Sat-sun mosque til 2 tuition til 6
I’m exhausted
Holidays are overbooked with revision
I jus wanna be rich
I jus wanna be in love
I jus wanna sit idly,
‘I’m okay’
My ex gets in touch with me to get in touch with his ex,
I told him she was dead,
I did it out of spite,
I don’t got no might,
He fucking dimmed my light,
U expected me to fight,
She’s dead Shes dead I said his ex was dead (but I wasn’t speaking about her)
He said he don’t give a fuck Abt me,
Y he still tryna understand my brainwork for?
Stop calling me darlin
This ain’t female rage he knows he’s a dick
He labelled himself whore
Baby he ain’t no whore,
Only thing he’s humped is the floor,
Talk to someone?
I did,
Daddy said he don’t care,
Mum called me ‘mentally disturbed’
Friends joked ‘Don’t get hit by a car’
I laughed,
Toxicity levels getting to my head,
Don’t need drugs,don’t need highs,
I’m naturally intoxicated,
Lust kissed on my thighs,
My baby loves my body,
He wanna know me,
I said nah,
Boy replied with yah,
Change the subject
Maybe I’m scared of commitment,
He’s still reading that para I sent,
‘It’s okay’
I’m scared of my man,
I don’t know when I’ll get my chance
So I sat him down last night,
Told him I’m like a kite,
Time to let go,
He said no,
Delusions slippin out ur hand as if sand,
Get a new girl,
A prettier pearl,
‘Pretty girl don’t die …promise me you won’t die’
I can’t promise you,
You jus wanted a pure gal,
U got urself a forever fuckin penpal,
Pretty boy do well for me,
Smile for me,
Love for me,
But stop loving me,
I’m taking my love for you and burying it under 6ft
‘Amina ur scaring me’
Maybe but I’m scarring me,
‘Reply so IK ur alive’
‘FUCKING REPLY’
Fake ass boys with their casket ass shit,
Say they love u,
No u don’t
The love u know is not wat I want,
U cheated,
Boys cheat,
Not every boy,
But every one I know,
Maybe I’m into that,
Maybe I like getting crushed by that,
Maybe we should stop talking,
Maybe I should just die,
Maybe that’s for the best,
Maybe I made u happy,
Well I hope she makes u happy,
I hope u love her,
I hope ur fucking happy,
And when everything’s perfect,
I hope she cheats,
I hope she rips into ur heart and makes u watch wat I saw,
U screamed ur pleas at me when I joked about it,
U expect me no to check on u,?
Well I apologise for caring ,
The apology is to myself not u,
U don’t know me
4 months is so long and I still know nothing Abt u,
U never made time for me,
I always made time for u,
Now ur gone,
And I’m happy,
Maybe.
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