“ Im nat going to be able to forgive myself for that.”
This has nothing to do with other people, hell X can leave right now, but it STILL won’t help you.
You look inside yourself, self reflect nobody asked you to be their “hero” you must be your own to you, you have to peel the layers back of yourself and see your thinking, and ask yourself why do I feel this way? That’s where become conscious of your actions and are able to think intentionally (we can keep talking but this would be much more effect somewhere else)