My 2022 mentality was genuinely the worst. I experienced one of the worst narcissist collapses in my life and I wrote a plan on how to end my life on my birthday, and then after that I was open about how i could "care less about my friend's feelings" and more, it only lessened at the beginning of Junior year

It's scary to think in 2022 even if I knew I have NPD, i wouldn't care. 2022 me was the worst
Only since 2023 I have tried to make improvement in my friendships even when I didn't know I have NPD (I had an idea that I might've been a narcissist, and labeled myself as one)

I continue to study my own mentality, reading over every single word I type out months later. It is embarrassing how much of my previous vents were delusion induced, and hinting at untreated NPD because nobody ever considered I could have a personality disorder in the first place

It's shocking to realize it. But when I reread my own words I realize how much of a manipulative person I am. There's nothing sane and normal in the kind of "love" I want and there's nothing healthy in the kind of "love" I provide

The things I desire most disgusts me now. I'm trying to be a better person, and having to realize I view people in a degenerative dehumanizing way feels awful. A relationship isn't for love, it's for control to me and that's probably why I "resonate" with being aromantic. I don't know how to love. I think I felt it, but my underlying thoughts have always been possesion and being in control

"You're looking for attention" you're right, but in the worst way possible. It's taken so long for anyone to consider NPD as a possibility.

I preach about supporting people with mental illness, and yet I will never see myself in a position to be in a healthy relationship with a girl I "love." No matter how much people tell me that NPD doesn't make me an awful, abusive, and disgusting person I will continue to demonize myself when I'm sane of mind. Nobody else knows how to deal with me, not even myself

"If I killed myself," those are threats hidden as a "prophecy of a savior". those are all threats no matter how much I want to believe they weren't, even when they are my genuine thoughts I weaponize my life to get things I want

Martyr, being a martyr, that's all he thinks about and I can't believe those words came from my thoughts. They're both me, I can't seperate the two no matter how much i want to believe everyone loves *me*, because when someone finally finds a loose brick I come toppling down and i'm distraught

So many people deny my mental illness, but those words don't come from a sane person. The words I've said in chatlogs aren't sane. I tell myself I'm the most sane person but when I come to reality I see myself for who I am, a delusional freak who believes that he's the savior of the world

i still have so much trouble trying to seperate what's real and what's a delusion. It's so upsetting seeing my thoughts when I've been delusional

NOOO THEYRE MEANT TO REFERENCE KASHIKIN FROM MO4 😭😭😭

chi oi deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep lam choi oi 🤤em nay bi chet du ma

sifh. I didnt get vyn's first badge for this event its fine. i guess. its okay. I'll live. I'll just have to love her more next time

this is why doing field work is important isnt it.

CHET ME TAI SAO MAX FATIGUE KHONG PHAI 100. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

"it's all meme songs" kys they hit different

thinking ab CN/VN songs lately

erica prefers to express more masculine, phuong prefers to express more androgynous

ft19 erica - she/him openly lesbian
ht19 eric - he/him closeted gay (hinted he never experienced sexual/romantic feelings until he saw phuong)
ft19 phuong - she/her asexual closeted lesbian
ht19 phuong - he/they gay asexual (same as ft19 but MORE forward about it)