A Message From Me To You.

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. In honor of honoring lives, I though I’d share a little bit about why this month means so much to me.

I’ve battled with low self-esteem my whole life. It wasn’t bad at first, just wishing I looked a little less like my self and a little more like my friends, until it got to the point where it was one month ago. Slowly building, slowly carving a pit in my heart that I couldn’t bear to deal with. So I didn’t. I locked away that feeling and all those thoughts in little corners that I thought would go away if I didn’t look at them. But they didn’t. And soon there were to many thoughts and not enough corners. So I did the only thing I thought I could do. I cut. Over and over again because I thought it was taking the feeling away when in reality it was creating a whole new one that I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life. Nothing could prepare me for what came next.

It just popped up on me one day. The thought of just leaving everything. As I look back on it now, those thoughts terrify me so much and I’m so very glad that they do. Because they used to not. They used to be so common that I wouldn’t even bat an eye. I’m fact, they got so common that I ended up listening. I got in three before I joined this app. And then I found a family of weirdos like me, a family of people who understand but don’t underestimate, a family of people who love me in spite of these corners in my head.

And then I had the worst depressive episode of my life. I woke up normal. I felt the happiest I had in a long, long time. I logged on, talked for awhile, everything was going fine. And then, I started thinking. Thinking that my family would be better off without me, that my new found friends would rather me be gone, that I would rather myself be gone. Everyone’s different. But mine didn’t come out of the blue. Mine came out of years and years worth of repressing those thoughts and telling myself I was being over dramatic and to suck it up and move on. Mine came from the things people have said to me that stuck. Mine came from thinking that I’ll never be enough. And so I left. Deleted the app and tried to forget but everyday my thoughts wandered back to it. And I could never forget, not really, my promise of being back in an hour. If I was cutting often before, I definitely was then.

After weeks and weeks of secretly cutting (no easy task in the summer) and one more attempt, I started therapy. Granted, it’s free online therapy, but still therapy. Everyday I sit down and talk to a licensed therapist from The Trevor Project for an hour and a half through a computer screen. And I swear to you, it works.

Maybe I’ll never be as okay as I once was. Maybe I was never okay to begin with. But I’m trying. And that’s gotta count for something, right?

Here’s to one month cut free. And many more. ❤️❤️

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