september

4/5

as of september 2017, i was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), my parents never knew the true cause of it. i was only diagnosed because of the car crash i was in. i remember vividly that when we crashed the car, everything went black. i couldn’t realize the large gash that lined the right part of my forehead. i felt at peace, i thought i was dead.

the police were there and tried to get me to the hospital, the ambulance looked like the same one that took my grandfather, my dad refused because it’s expensive. we went back home, and i was told i couldn’t sleep.
i wanted to rest my eyes badly, it felt surreal. i thought if i slept i could wake up and it would be ok, but my parents feared that if i fell asleep, i wouldn’t be able to wake up.

i was taken to the doctors and i could hear them talking to my parents, diagnosing me with ptsd. they send me to physical therapy, they said all of my muscles were tensed and strained.

after what it seemed to be months, they dismissed me saying i should be ok to go on. i couldn’t tell them that the vivid memories weren’t of the car crash, but of my grandpa dying. i didn’t have enough strength to tell them that the reason i have severe panic attacks weren’t because of physical trauma. what i can recall of the car crash is only a tad bit, i was told by my father that there were times i was afraid of getting into the car, but i can’t remember being scared.

there are nights were i couldn’t breathe, there are nights were i felt like the world was ending, there were nights where i couldn’t manage to walk because i was bound into the safety of my room. my airways would close tightly and i would choke, and i was rendered blind because i couldn’t open my eyes. i would want to throw the contents of my stomach out of the open, i couldn’t handle the idea of food going down my system. i couldn’t let anyone in and out of my room because i was scared

these things happened often to me, and no matter how much i try to live with myself, the fact remains that i have never recovered

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