You do know it is not fun.
As youve described them suffering and seeing them in torment and foils.
I may know that you cant really imagine being in that very situation, Since you are in this state as of now, Feeling abit or close to 0 emphaty for others suffering. But is it the result of trauma that caused this?, Like abuse and you wanted to inflict that same pain to others. doesnt it help if you ask for help even if a little. Since that indeed only does inflict torment and pain to them, and even you.