I truly cried for the first time since 2019. (Good and bad vent)
In early 2019 my first real friend killed himself, that's the first time I ever experienced extreme grief, my grandma and cat died during the same week for that but I was a young child, and I was really sad, but I also wasn't grieving. I don't think I cried until the funeral, where I was going to the coffin and hugged his dad. Everything came out at once and I couldn't hold it back any longer. Before I moved to hawaii late 2020, my dog link was in really bad health and pain, and was put down, but I didn't feel anything at all. Nothing. I moved out and for some reason told none of my friends or said goodbye to them (they knew I was going to but not when). I moved to the new house but didn't feel like meeting anyone or making freinds. I was also homeschooled. Neither of my brothers did actually. Slowly or maybe quickly I don't remember, my emotions became numb and I barely felt them, unless there was something very emotional. I don't think it was all of them that where numb but it was quite a few. I was also in a negative mood at the same time most of the time. At that time I was also having my 3rd existential crisis (Same one as the other 2), and it would not go away. Soon I also felt like I was literally going insane, and my brain was not functioning properly. I don't even know how to describe it, but my cognitive functions where going down. I also did not have self control. I could not do what I wanted to, which was infuriating. Also my memory was messed up aswell. I think I had depression but it could have been something else. I also don't member exactly when it started. And I forgot alot of the bad moments. I also technically had a few intrusive suicidal thoughts that where very quickly shut down by my existential crisis. I don't feel like giving the specifics about what the existential crisis was about. I think I was probably very lonely, but I didn't feel that way at all and I didn't know at all, but looking at my internet past I could tell I very likely was. Late into the time I was living In the house, I got some really annoying but minor health issues. One is I have this really annoying, but not painful feeling all over my skin, that I literally cannot describe to anyone. It's not even that crazy of a feeling, I just don't have the words for it. I also get really tired in the heat and all my blood goes to my feet and my hands turn puffy. Another thing is when i get adrenaline while sitting down my limbs get exremely numb and tingly and it slowly seeps up to my entire body. I get really dizzy and my vision blacks out when I stand up after sitting a while, I lost control of my legs once and kicked a bookshelf at max speed once from it too. That one actually started 2020. Wait all that's off topic, oh well. Anyways my mental health started to get better at the very beginning of 2023/dec2022. I stopped feeling like I was going insane, my existential crisis was no longer a crisis and actually fueled me to keep going (remember this), my constant bad mood went away, and I was regaining self control. But then something else came and hit me, fear so strong dread so powerful, that no set of words could even come to describing its level. I well and truly understood, realized, and fully comprehend I am going to die. At That time i would rather burn in hell for all eternity rather than die. But before we moved out of hawaii (in February) our cat was bloated and we took her to the vet and she was sick. I can't remember exactly what it was but she was filling with fluid and it got into her heart which could cause issues. But she was perfectly happy energized and not in pain in anyway. But we needed to move and where literally required to by the government (dad retired from military). We couldn't take her with us, and my mom didn't want to leave her behind, because nobody would want a old sick cat, and she didn't want the cat to feel left behind and betrayed. So despite her not being in pain we had to put her down. I thought of every possible way of bringing her with us, but we didn't have the money or time for alot of them, especially with the vet checkups costing around 1500 fucking dollars. America yay! It was awful that putting her down was the only viable option, and seeing her eyes full of life near instantly turn dead was awful. I was sad, but it was like reality couldn't connect to my emotions. I didn't grieve. I couldn't and I tried. Now on to where I am currently, at my grandparents house. I lost something crucial and core to me, and was a major reason for me to keep living. And no matter how hard I try I cannot get it back for more than a quick flash. But with that flash I atleast know it isn't well and truly gone and is still inside me. I couldn't feel existential anymore. Not all all. My fear of death? Gone in a flash. My other existential crisis that fuels me to keep making the right decision and do my best and to keep on living. GONE. I really miss it and hope I can get it back soon. Anyways onto today finally. I cried for the first time since my freinds death. I reopened my greif from my old freind and cried to that, I finally felt greif for my cat (Harley Quinn), and I felt emotions I haven't felt in 5 years, and realized my emotions are still suppressed (even though I didn't ever try to suppression them) and I also realized I am terrible at getting myself to feel emotional from my just my thoughts. It's almost like they get in the way of my emotions. But man it feels good to cry. Well that was a crazy sentence, I'll be shocked if somone actually read it entirely. It's also 5:20 and I haven't slept. I've never talked about this before and I usually try not to but I felt I needed to.
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