The thing is i want to manipulate, i dont do it unconsciously, i REALIZE im a manipulator and i wont stop anytime soon, and i dont even feel guilty about it, if anything im proud i managed to convince people im the victim, im proud i managed to blame the other side when i know im wrong, i am aware im not the victim, but i just cant take the idea of me being wrong, even if i actually believe im the victim i usually realize im not sooner or later, and its not like that realization changes anything, i dont feel guilt or remorse at all, i should, but i dont, sure sometimes i can convince myself im the victim but that doesnt excuse it.
I dont even have anxiety or depression, i have BPD and cyclothemia, sure, and i have their mood stabilizers but those dont even do anything
(Btw thanks for listening and not judging, if you're still not judging, that means a lot to me.)
Replies
I don't understand fully in all honesty but you clearly have a lot going on. Your family clearly has a running phyc disorder and even if you don't regret it and "want" to do it your very obviously upset and by it. I genuinely hope you get therapy at some point and some help with that stuff from a professional. Break the cycle :) (of course ei won't judge you, I can't understand wanting to do those things but I understand and sympasise with everything else and I fully believe your a good person)