If it didn't happen to you you wouldn't know how to manipulate. It's not your fault they did what they did. Your anxiety proves you don't want to do it. I see why you feel bad but you clearly aren't a bad person people who play the victim don't convince them self they are right they simply either believe they are ir they pretend they are. You convincing yourself isn't playing the victim it's denial. I know I'm rambling but dude you just need a few anxiety and depression medz and a few years of counseling
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The thing is i want to manipulate, i dont do it unconsciously, i REALIZE im a manipulator and i wont stop anytime soon, and i dont even feel guilty about it, if anything im proud i managed to convince people im the victim, im proud i managed to blame the other side when i know im wrong, i am aware im not the victim, but i just cant take the idea of me being wrong, even if i actually believe im the victim i usually realize im not sooner or later, and its not like that realization changes anything, i dont feel guilt or remorse at all, i should, but i dont, sure sometimes i can convince myself im the victim but that doesnt excuse it.
I dont even have anxiety or depression, i have BPD and cyclothemia, sure, and i have their mood stabilizers but those dont even do anything
(Btw thanks for listening and not judging, if you're still not judging, that means a lot to me.)